Past year… Learning things.

In the past year, I would have to say that I’ve learned how important the process of growing up is. There’s no defining line of what being an adult is. No matter how many books or movies I’ve watched highlight the important landmarks or provide satirical takes of what it means to be a grown up, the experiences are truly up to us. I thought it was being able to drive anywhere-anytime I want to or going to college or having the ability to go to Cub Foods at 2 a.m. because I don’t have a legal curfew anymore. None of those things actually make me a grownup. Being a grownup-foe me- is understanding that the way I’ve always thought may and probably will change. And if they don’t change, they will be challenged. The things that we call our beliefs-our values- remain maybes; until the forms that they take are challenged and made concrete. They move from “I think” to “I know.”

I admit the process isn’t always instantaneous; the process of change. It’s very difficult for me to let go of what I find familiar-because those things are what I depend on and what I consider predictable. However, the dull ache in my stomach is much more painful when I shut out truth to accommodate comfort and consistency. It makes me wonder if will has the attributes of a sloth or if is simply uneasy. No matter what, change will happen. Change will happen, no matter what. It’s something I remind myself of daily- if not hourly. Challenges are necessary for growth. I pray that I embrace them like I would with a good opportunity instead of dreading them; Simply this because I know my attitude will change my behavior ,and my behavior will dictate whether or not I take those challenges on.

She thinks? No. She KNOWS,

In the past year, I would have to say that I’ve learned how important the process of growing up is. There’s no defining line of what being an adult is. No matter how many books or movies I’ve watched highlight or provide satirical takes of what it means to be a grown up, the experiences are up to us. I thought it was being able to drive anywhere-anytime you want to or going to college or having the ability to go to Cub Foods at 2 a.m. because I don’t have a legal curfew. None of those things actually make me a grownup. Being a grown up is understanding that the way I’ve always thought may and probably will change. And if they don’t change, they will be challenged. The things that we call our beliefs-our values- remain maybe; until the forms that they take are challenged and made concrete. They move from “I think” to “I know.”

I admit the process isn’t always instantaneous; the process of change. It’s very difficult for me to let go of what I find familiar-because those things are what I depend on and what I consider predictable. However, the dull ache in the stomach is much more painful when I shut out truth to accommodate comfort and consistency. It makes me wonder if will has the attributes of a sloth or if is simply uneasy. No matter what change will happen. Change will happen no matter what. It’s something I remind myself daily- if not hourly. Challenges are necessary for growth. I pray that I embrace them like a good opportunity instead of dreading because I know my attitude will change my behavior and my behavior will dictate whether or not I take those challenges on.

when artists create

I have been having this cabin fever to create. I have somethings stirring,not sure what it is yet. Like almost at all. But I must say that the coffee is brewing something rather strong and the world should get ready. Okay, let me crinkle that and throw that bizarrely distasteful yet familiar cliche in the rubbish bin. I should get ready/ it’s me that needs to.WP_20150520_001

r.m.

Double Rainbow

I should have attached a photo to supplement the integrity of this post, but no lens could give it justice. Truly.

It was bolting and flashing outside for about three hours. I prepared the few candles we have that aren’t mold-infested. Aeewww. Okay mold-kissed is more like it.

I stepped outside to a rich yellow-ish sky behind me and a beautiful rainbow infront of me. It was the clearest I’ve seen -I think. It was so huge, that one end is the only part that would fit into a camera-close-by. It was so beautiful the camera couldn’t do it justice.

Promises. promises. Noah.Ark.Flood.Rainbow. Recollections like a flood. though all I really could think of is “new thing.” This was it. It had to be.

The storm was a little shaky that I had my candles lit up-just in case. The lights didn’t go out despite a few sparkling attempts. The stormed grew for two hours in shudders that I closed the blinds and kept away from the windows.

I often think God, do you hear me? Do i talk too much/too little/too distracted/of strange maters? He always hears me. The storm was frightening, but the rainbow came. It came and I was blessed to see it just in time at it’s prime. The blessing came. The promise came.

Often, when I look over such thoughts or writings I think-who do I think I am that God would do this for me?  Sometimes, how ignorant of me to not pay attention? This is the great wrestle that comes and goes-violently other times unnoticed. When do I learn?

A NEW THING.

pray

 

not mine, but a reminder nonetheless.

 

 

Seek God for who He is.

Insert melancholy/inspirational intro here.

So, out of habit, I wanted to start off with a somber yet wise little line that would make someone like me stop and ponder for a second.

This post won’t be like that.

I really hope to stop that habit in the future and start leaning towards being real with myself… and who ever will read this (which will most likely be only me- and of course, God.)

And honestly, that’s fine. It beats the purpose of evangelizing-but I’m not sure the point of this blog is for that. Not that it couldn’t be-BUT it surely hasn’t been,I don’t believe.

So many things are unfolding in my life-like a beautiful accordion-with… the sound of a harp tho.

Here’s five.  UH…four.

  1. Seek God for who He is.So…the purpose of this particular love point isn’t to make myself/whoever’s reading do a little side-cock with a sheepish smile and exclaim, “righteouuuuuus,man.” It’s mostly a reminder of something I’ve heard all my life said a little differently. I pray and ask God for this to be something I meditate on daily. It’s truth, that’s why I enjoy it.
  2. There’s this particular verse in Exodus where God tells Moses, “Build altars in the places where I remind you of who I AM, and I will come and bless you there.” I’ve created a little jingle in my head to help me remember-if you can imagine. Anyhow, I’ve always pictured or imagine myself doing the same-how my altar to the Lord would look like. I’ve had this particular venue that I like to get away to. It’s a little walk of peace where I feel like know God walks with me. I deleted the “feel like” and then added it back in to remind myself that feel is an emotion-not a way to describe something I deeply believe. I was researching-okay crash course researching: the term altar.Every church going kid/adult has heard the term,”come to the altar.” We associate altar with the front of the church. In summary, I learned that it is where divine exchange happens,usually where people offer sacrifices or incense to God. It is where we hear and meet with God in a beautiful way. If I were to describe it from a  19-year-old me perspective, I would say that the altar is a physical place of offering as much as a spiritual place. When you go to the altar, I belive it’s not just what you physically bring; it’s a matter of the heart as well. A beautiful exchange is right!
  3. Joy comes from God. It’s okay to be happy minus el foolishness-o.
  4. Something I actually came across this morning reading my Bible: It is such a simple and honest revelation that resonates so much inside of me. It’s a desire that I have and get a sense that it is one shared by many others. Though they may not know it yet or have a clear understanding yet:

    Zechariah’s Song

    67 His father Zechariah was filled with the Holy Spirit and prophesied:

    68 “Praise be to the Lord, the God of Israel,
        because he has come to his people and redeemed them.
    69 He has raised up a horn of salvation for us
        in the house of his servant David
    70 (as he said through his holy prophets of long ago),
    71 salvation from our enemies
        and from the hand of all who hate us—
    72 to show mercy to our ancestors
        and to remember his holy covenant,
    73     the oath he swore to our father Abraham:
    74 to rescue us from the hand of our enemies,
        and to enable us to serve him without fear
    75     in holiness and righteousness before him all our days.

    76 And you, my child, will be called a prophet of the Most High;
        for you will go on before the Lord to prepare the way for him,
    77 to give his people the knowledge of salvation
        through the forgiveness of their sins,
    78 because of the tender mercy of our God,
        by which the rising sun will come to us from heaven
    79 to shine on those living in darkness
        and in the shadow of death,
    to guide our feet into the path of peace.”

    80 And the child grew and became strong in spirit; and he lived in the wilderness until he appeared publicly to Israel.

    Note: I highlighted and differentiated parts of the text because they were all important in different ways-see for yourself. Zechariah’s song. I can’t believe I’ve either overlooked/not read this before.  The blue italics is a song of hope to me. As I said before “it is such a simple and honest revelation that resonates so deeply inside of me. Bee tee duhbs. RESONATE=meet with someone’s agreement//to continue to produce a loud, clear, deep sound for a long time//to make, hear, or even understand a deep, full sound//be filled with a deep, full, reverberating sound, YES.   


    I pray that whoever reads this Lord will be blessed to do exactly what you want them to do. Oh Lord, their hearts would be in sync with your great Love and they would seek you without fear-whatever form that may have taken place in the past. Those fears do not belong in their “new thing.” You have called us to something better. I pray that as we stay tuned, we seek you as you continue to pursue us. I pray that as I wait, I rejoice and seek you and rejoice and seek you and learn how to love others by listening and rejoicing and being grateful and thankful for who you are, who you’ve made me to be, and who you’ve called me to be…and to trust in YOU first-before myself or others. You’re my Heavenly Father. I am YOURS. And YOU are mine. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.


my heart to YOU

I subscribe, Lord, only to you

Show me Thy heart, and teach me Thy ways

I’ll abide in Your holy place

 

The knitting of your plans

unfold so slowly to me

Your mysterious ways are hidden

Help me trust, just the same

 

Keep me sane in the wings of your love

I am never forgotten, yet i often forget

 

Take a chance on me

I’ll take  a chance on obedience

 

I want to know You

I want to know You

I want You

 

Everyone has something to say concerning you

 

But I want to know for myself

I want to know You

I want You

 

Crying is easy , its said

I say its horrible

Exposing myself is beautiful to You

Good Good Father

I haven’t written in four months, according to WordPress. Which I’m guessing is just before I left for Kenya. I don’t know if it’s that I didn’t have time or inspiration, but rather I thought what’s the use. I write a bunch of words no one reads to please myself or make myself believe that by writing eloquently makes me worth more. It doesn’t. I don’t want to write pretty words anymore. I want to write truth my truth. Not a truth that people can “connect” to. As of now, I don’t care if anyone ever reads this. I’m writing my story with Jesus anyways,so people’s inputs honestly don’t change much.

I want to write using phrases and see if in reading it I can recall those moments. I’m not in the business of writing down my whole life, so here goes.

No French, turbulence,  December in Kenya: no storms, lean chicken,passion fruit at breakfast hotel, Nyeri hills moms school, rohotie wanjohi clan never saw elephants monkeys warthogs pastors son no picnic,roway downhill walking stick miwa hard to eat, Mbugua-Hercules/Jack of all trades sleepy watching movie big portions, Kasheli-music and lectures and younger,Mwende-sweet and ,Ken-hugs and drinking good heart skinny , Miles-cute looks like ageless Uncle Joe,Grace-happy lady and mom, Meja-funny ,Shida-chill,Uncle Francis-successful,Wanga-custer,Njeri big-twinning,Aunty Rina’s-moms twin, Puppy-ticks Mbuguas,Doggie and his kid-jumping, piki piki at gate-first ride downhill bumpy, Naivas-quirky bata shoes, Cucu-strong and underappreciated communication barriers, Guka-tall and grandfatherlike , Hyeinas, Wasps, sheep-skin, Njeri wa Uncle Peter, Aunty Judy, Ngendo,Irene, Ngong, Cucus house, our house, Uncle Willy nyama choma mutura chickens bees big tree cool hat dad and aunty eyes newspapers, Eric green suit serious but funny grit, Kelsey same but taller video games, Angie unfamiliar nosebleeds, Solitei younger waiting for nails, Matatu fun then annoying wifi gross

Until I can come up with more,,,

I’ve realized that I can’t “write” about adulthood because there’s no such thing. It’s a concept that we’ve made to define maturity. I’ve realized how independent and dependent I am sometimes. There’s so much fluctuation I’ve decided to leave it alone. Adulthood is not mastery, it’s just a recognized part of “growing up.” The ideal of growing up is overrated because my life is differently that the next person; so my milestones and someone else can be valued differently.

 

…that you call me deeper still. That you love,love,LOVE. You’re a Good Good Father. It’s who You are.It’s who You are. And I’m loved by You. It’s who i am It’s who i am.

You are perfect in all of your ways. Such moments can never be recreated by words, no matter how hard we try.

r.m.

always remember that He is a GOOD GOOD Father.

 

 

 

Ellipses

Currently listening to (watching): Arrow/Flash Cross over show

I think that T..V. is my alcohol. I would explain how, but I already know how (or rather why). There’s no need for redundancy; it’s exhausting. I caved, I look on a different medical website (not Web-MD, Thank God!), and it was informative without the theatrics. I think I might be alright. I asked S for a second opinion,  about setting an appointment with my Doc about the ear-thing, but  I am still praying. It’d hard to keep the faith, when it’s not in my nature. I’m learning more about patience. 😉

God, I receive the healing that you have already spoken; I agree with your word.

“And join them one to another into one stick, that they may become one in your hand.

~Ezekiel 37:17

I love this scripture because God has no limitations. He is not confounded to the humanness  that we are. I am LITERALLY (Chris Treager voice) in awe. That gives me faith for my unbelief.

I used to say that I hate words, but maybe my mind is changing. I can finally organize my thoughts somehow. AND IT FEELS GREAT.

(Girl lets out a huge sigh of relief… and finally unloads her toxic baggage)

Thank you God.

-r.m.

 

 

Twinsters

Currently listening (and occasional eye averts) to:  “Twinsters” docu on Netflix; I’ve watched it before, but I am in the mood for watching it again. I love the idea that two related souls have reunited after going through life 20+ years without knowing about the existence of the other. Nothing in life is truly impossible. I don’t know what it is, but watching it feels like drinking a really good bowl of soup. Which I did just finish drink-eating. Emery (the name of my laptop; which I just created-like right now- -yeah, really)

So Emery’s on 19%, so I presume that I should charge her before she slips mid-post.

*************************************************************

Emery’s good now, but after a quick chat with my soulfriend Anastasia,

I’ve moved on to “Everybody loves Raymond”

5 days 18 hours 14minutes 52 sec.
mcEEEP!

 

Things accomplished today:

-Packed the shoes, need to start with the blankets tomm. / late(r) today!

-Slammed my pinkie in the car door; I screamed “Bloody hell!”- It hurt for more than an hour…

-Bought some sea salt to clean my cartilage (woot! woot!)

So ummm. yeah!

Toodles!

-r.m.

 

 

 

 

 

Light it up and let it go

Currently Listening to: Light it up-  For King and Country

“Light it up and let it go…don’t you see that you are not alone.”

I love this song; I’ve always loved it. The harmony and indie-intro, the vocals, the up-beat bridge- it’s all great. It’s captivating really. But every now and then, I stop to think of the words, “Light it up and let it go…don’t you see that you are not alone.” It’s difficult to understand or at least we make it so, that we’re never ever ever ever ever MC-ever alone.Daily, I have to remind myself like it’s new information that my brain has never processed before. And just like any new information, it often leaves room for doubt to linger around a dark corner and spazically blurt out random things-causing you to deviate from your journey of faith. At least that’s how it is for me. Distractions, if not to completely throw you off must waste your time; I  see it’s something that I need to work on a lot – or rather ask God for more calcified faith.

I think this next year, my new years resolution will have to change a little. I’m starting to realize that the things I do… Or rather, the goals achieved have more to do with where my mind/heart/spirit is placed than the other way around. I’m learning more and more each day how thoughts are the chain reaction to actions- you would have thought that I would been the one thing that I retained from INTRO TO PSYCH.

Oh by the way, I got my license the other day: Friday 10:40 a.m

-My dad wished me the best!

-I asked my sibs to pray for me, on my way there-heh.

-I asked my mom to pray for me.

-I declared peace over myself.

-My instructor was quiet and non-intimidating.

-I did well on everything except parallel parking, I made it- but it took a few tries.

-I mean, I could even internally hear him telling me what I did wrong and what to work on for next time. I thought I was going to have to take it agaaaaain but..

  • THE INSTRUCTOR SAID: “Well, it looks like you passed!” I couldn’t believe it- I mean truly! I said, “No way!” and “Seriously”like ten times. He said” Well I mean, if you really don’t want to- I could say you didn’t.” I said “Thank you!” Ran across the DMV grass area to where mom was. She knew before I said it, I didn’t care how I looked like for the picture and I couldn’t make my face stop smiling eve If I wanted. It was too great of a day!

 

I’m blessed and extremely thankful!

-r.m